TO MARK MENTAL HEALTH ACTION DAY, WE ASKED SOME MEMBERS OF THE WELLBEING COMMUNITY TO SHARE SOME ACTIONS THEY TAKE TO PRIORITISE THEIR MENTAL HEALTH. TO MARK MENTAL HEALTH ACTION DAY, WE ASKED SOME MEMBERS OF THE WELLBEING COMMUNITY TO SHARE SOME ACTIONS THEY TAKE TO PRIORITISE THEIR MENTAL HEALTH.
I realised that if I wanted to regain my mental health I must unlearn denial of anger.
“Depression is anger turned inwards” – my Psychiatrist.
Like many people, particularly women, I grew up believing I should never be angry. Various influences taught me that it is bad to be an angry woman — she is ugly, untrustworthy, and unhealthy. I became expert at denying myself anything resembling anger, avoiding conflict, taking responsibility for maintaining harmony, and never having a strong opinion.
At 33, I experienced a profound loss that triggered a major depressive breakdown. Sitting in front of my psychiatrist week after week, I gradually began to understand his statement. Anger is an essential step in the grieving process, but because I couldn’t allow myself to even acknowledge anger I wasn’t able to grieve and move on from my loss. Over the years, a repressive toxicity collected inside me, condensed over decades, and had finally imploded. I was pulled into a blackhole of depression where my ability to feel anything was gone. All that existed was a robotic sense of nothingness. I was trapped in the vacuum of depression for 13 months.
I became expert at denying myself anything resembling anger, avoiding conflict, taking responsibility for maintaining harmony, and never having a strong opinion.
Several years later, I’ve experienced several different types of grief including the loss of: a belief system, people I’ve loved, faith in those I’ve trusted, an organisation and team I co-created, a perception of my identity and contribution in the world. With each loss the invasive thoughts of depression and anxiety attacks have resurfaced.
While I’m still terrified of depression and what it takes away from me each time, the length of my episodes have decreased as I’ve gathered tools that increase my awareness of when I’m repressing anger and skills to redirect the process towards allowing myself to feel and work through it.
The journey is often one step forward and two steps back as I clumsily learn to explore expressions of anger. But I’m making messy progress.
Tools that help me realise I’m repressing anger :
- Weekly Therapy: Being completely honest with my psychologist about my symptoms and thoughts.
- Keeping a list of my cognitive biases and unhelpful assumptions that I can refer to and ask myself if I am unwittingly applying them. A few example: I must never show anger; I must always improve a situation; I must not be a burden to others).
- Let others around me know what signals to look for and how to gently ask me if that might be what’s happening when they notice those signals.
- Dream analysis with my psychologist or psychiatrist.
- Time in nature to allow space for subconscious thoughts to rise to consciousness.
Skills I use to redirect myself towards working through anger:
- Saying out loud to someone I can trust, ‘I’m angry–here’s why…’.
- Writing about why I might be angry and why I might be repressing that reaction.
- Gradual exposure therapy exercises set by my psychologist.
- Reading about why it’s not unusual to repress anger and the benefits of unlearning it (the book, Rage Becomes Her was a great example of this).
- Meditation focused on awareness and acceptance of anger.
- Controlled destruction (I went to a smash room on one occasion; took a hammer to a watermelon in my back garden on another).
- Finding those who understand the type of situation that made me angry and discussing to gauge if anger seems to be a normal or appropriate response.
- Asking others what their strategies are for appropriately and healthily acknowledging, expressing, and processing anger.
My hope is to eventually feel comfortable in acknowledging, experiencing, and expressing anger in a way I’m confident is productive and appropriate —regardless of what other people think. Because what could be more beautiful, honest, and healthy than being able to embrace the entire emotional spectrum of the very human condition of love and loss.
Bio
Jessamyn Shams-Lau was previously co-CEO of the Peery Foundation, where she implements and advocates for grantee-centric philanthropy, aiming to minimize the power dynamic inherent to grant-making. She is creator of Do Good Better, a university curriculum for social change leaders, and co-wrote and illustrated the book Unicorns Unite: How Nonprofits and Foundations Can Build EPIC Partnerships with Jane Leu and Vu Le.
WE ARE THRILLED TO START EXPLORING THE ISSUE OF INNER WELLBEING IN THE FIELD OF SOCIAL CHANGE MORE BROADLY – LOOKING AT “HOW ARE WE DOING?” – TOGETHER WITH IMPACT HUB AND THE FORD FOUNDATION, WHO ARE TWO KEY ANCHORS WITHIN THIS 6-MONTH SURVEY PROCESS. WE ARE THRILLED TO START EXPLORING THE ISSUE OF INNER WELLBEING IN THE FIELD OF SOCIAL CHANGE MORE BROADLY – LOOKING AT “HOW ARE WE DOING?” – TOGETHER WITH IMPACT HUB AND THE FORD FOUNDATION, WHO ARE TWO KEY ANCHORS WITHIN THIS 6-MONTH SURVEY PROCESS.
By Catalina Cock Duque
Building a peaceful, democratic and inclusive country is a long term challenge which requires systemic changes to face the roots of our problems. Such changes imply transformations in politics, power, relationships, attitudes and values. In order to achieve this, alliances between the public, private and social sectors are necessary, as well as between leaders with diverse approaches who can support alliances to adopt new ways of doing things.
This may sound obvious, but working with different actors can be difficult. For instance, the building of trust is a great challenge and, as has been expressed by Katherine Milligan and Nicole Schwab in their article “The Inner Path to Become a Systems Entrepreneur”, competition over financial resources for social investment discourage collaboration, and there could be rivalries over who gets the credit within a coalition around a specific issue. How to cultivate a context where egos can be left aside, and the common interest comes before individual interest? Such question must be answered in order to achieve structural changes.
There is increasing evidence that the inner condition of a leader is crucial to achieve meaningful changes, and that it can be cultivated through a path leading to greater awareness of oneself and to inner well-being. Along the same line, great names in the field of social entrepreneurship such as Skoll, Synergos, Ashoka and Schwab Foundation, are promoting a global movement, through their “Wellbeing Project”, to support inner growth as an essential aspect of social change.
There are many options to advance along an inner path, including a deep process of self-knowledge. Getting to know ourselves in all our dimensions allows us to project our greater strengths and to work on our weaknesses. The mere fact of becoming aware of the latter may allow us greater control over our emotions, such as fear or anger, which in turn may undermine confidence and hamper the building of bridges between different sectors. Through inner work, confidence in oneself may be developed, as well as the ability to listen, empathize and follow your intuition, among other crucial skills in the construction of common projects departing from difference.
Investing in the inner well-being of leaders is a way to support the sustainability of their initiatives, or, is it possible for a leader to reach his or her maximum potential when emotional health is at risk or human relations are weak? Will it be possible for his or her impact and leadership to prevail in the long term? I don’t think so. When people invest in their personal well-being, when their deeper purpose is clear, when their greater inner connection is achieved, they reach their extended-self or their greater-self; according to Peggy Dulany, founder of Synergos, such people have an open heart, which can feel gratefulness and access more creativity; they are connected with a greater whole, they know who they are and they like who they are.
If we get closer to our extended self we can feel more confident and connected in a broader sense, and thus explore our maximum potential as human beings. This is crucial to building high potential teams, networks and movements, to overcoming egos and personal interests, and to understanding the complexity of our reality from different perspectives. Only by advancing along our individual path, will we be able to advance in the political, economic, social and cultural changes Colombia requires to build a fairer, more peaceful and inclusive society.
``AS IMPORTANT AS IT IS TO TAKE CARE OF OTHERS IT IS ACTUALLY TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.`` ``AS IMPORTANT AS IT IS TO TAKE CARE OF OTHERS IT IS ACTUALLY TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.``
Jose Mari Luzarraga is building a generation of changemaking entrepreneurs by re-defining education based on team learning and experimentation. He is the creator of the Leinn degree and co-founded Mondragon Team Academy, (MTA), global teams that adapt the vision of Mondragon by inserting it into the education system. Bachelor and Master’s degree students create people centered enterprises that generate economic and social impact through teampreneurship and learning by doing.
“The Wellbeing Project arrived at a crucial moment in my life. After 15 years fully devoted to serve others as a social entrepreneur, I was nearly at the edge of burnout. My life consists to reach and serve a growing number of yougsters, while dealing with many difficult issues on my own. I feel, accept pain, and suffering in my everyday life as something needed to serve better and it was having a negative impact personally and family wise.
This personal awareness of where and how I was, only came with The Wellbeing Project. Before the program I was focused on more: reach more and accept more challenges.
For me The Wellbeing Project showed me that “I could not serve and take care of others if I do not serve and take care of myself”, that we need to love others as we love ourselves. It is not about saying YES to others and NO to yourself, but the only way on the long run is to learn how to say YES to others and YES to yourself.
Throughout this personal transformation experience with great social entrepreneurs and human beings something became clear to me. On the one hand we need to accept, understand and embrace that being a social entrepreneur requires huge devotion and strength while: dealing with daily and tricky challenges, opening new paths where there are none, breaking and evolving thought models, making what is hidden or unknown to seen and understood… Being social entrepreneurs, we have the crucial, difficult and fascinating mission to “challenge the status-quo for a better world and humanity”.
On the other hand, we need to understand that the only way to do this, is to start with yourself. In the long run I cannot bring light to others if I do not light up myself. And for doing that, we need to load ourselves with the proper tools and activities to trigger the wellbeing and personal cultivation process. Wellbeing is a “life long journey”. It is a daily learning process.
The Wellbeing Project supported me with: “the understanding and awareness shift”, “providing the proper needed tools and activities” to start and nurture wellbeing, while not living this alone but “team learning” together with peers sharing the same learning journey.” JML
“I DON’T THINK THAT THERE IS ONE PERFECT TIME FOR SOMEBODY TO UNDERGO A PROCESS OF WELLBEING.” “I DON’T THINK THAT THERE IS ONE PERFECT TIME FOR SOMEBODY TO UNDERGO A PROCESS OF WELLBEING.”
By Kabir Vajpeyi and Jacquelyn Salvador
There are moments in life when we become acutely, almost obsessively focused on what we’re doing. This focus can be useful for making progress in specific areas, but it can also cause us to forget about the context and other areas that are just as important. This is the issue Kabir Vajpeyi ran into when he became enveloped by his work with learning and child development. He’d been neglecting the human element — both within himself and for others. Slowly but surely, the pressure that he put on himself began to make it difficult to relate to people, and left him feeling rushed and worn down.
“If someone said they weren’t feeling well, my thought wasn’t how to take care of them,” Kabir explains, “it was ‘who’s going to finish this job.’”
His self-imposed drive to work and make progress also prevented him from spending time and connecting with his family. He worked late, and he noticed his personality taking a turn for the worse as the demand increased and took a toll on his energy and emotions. It was Kabir’s wife who finally expressed her mounting concerns for his wellbeing, which led to Kabir’s participation in The Wellbeing Project. Within the program’s community of support and wellness-centered retreats for entrepreneurs and changemakers, Kabir came face-to-face with the importance of taking care of his own wellbeing. He realized that it was critical in order to make a greater impact through his work.
“I was spending something so precious and tender, rather ruthlessly – life.
To me, the well-being journey has been literally a poignant, beautiful pause. A pause to stay still, sit down, look inside, feel, become aware and nourish my inner-being. And moving on with heightened self-awareness, repose and quietude, profoundly more sensitivity and responsiveness in life.
It made me focus on myself, without any guilt. I understood that working on self is not being self-centric. In fact, it is the most unique and beautiful gift to oneself and everyone around.
Earlier my work was my only identity. Now, this is no longer true. Now, at first, I am human being – a son, a brother, a classmate, a husband, a father…a friend.
Earlier my relationship with everyone was largely functional or work-centric. I would find myself helpless and even hopeless on matters related to relationship. With uncompromising support of some of the most outstanding resource persons at the Well-being project, I was able to work on almost all my significant relationships – with my own self, my attitudes, with my immediate and larger family, my friends, my neighbours, my colleagues at work, my work.
Later, on my own, I worked with my clients and everyone whom I meet every day. I discovered the value of being humane, kind and compassionate with everyone. I now practice it. It has made a huge difference in the quality of my relationships with everyone. This is now positively impacting not just me, but with almost everyone whom I am engaging at personal, social or professional level.
I discovered that I cannot change the world at all. Unless I change, nothing will change around me. I must be able to take responsibility and not blame others. To begin with, the one thing I can immediately change is, how I respond to what is going on around me. Matters may not have changed much in substance around me, but now, rather than reacting, I am able to sensitively contemplate and respond to it. I have become better at it. This has reduced my stress and anxiety substantially and I am able to respond to most difficult situations rather calmly – with greater sensitivity and patience.
I took upon a meditation practice and this has qualitatively changed the way now I feel and think. This has fundamentally changed my state from being anxious and stressed to being aware and peaceful. It has also changed how I engage with different people; how I work – how I am able to find solutions, contemplate and deliver them to the society and the government.
I realized that well-being is not just for me. It is everyone, everywhere in the nature. I cannot keep it to myself. If I am able to experience and live it, so could everyone around me too. I am striving for this at my own level.
I know that it’s a journey worth continuing…”
In looking back, one of the most interesting revelations Kabir had from The Wellbeing Project was that the greatest work and progress was made not by focusing on the work itself, but by shifting toward a focus on the participant’s deeper needs and elements. In fact, even though he and the other participants were all deeply involved in and committed to their work, they rarely ever talked about work during their participation in The Wellbeing Project. That’s what created such a nurturing atmosphere for change and growth. The ability to slow down and really focus on the human element created a powerful foundational shift within Kabir. He’s now seen firsthand the importance of inner wellbeing, which enables us to do our greatest good. That element has created positive effects in his personal emotions, his relationships, his work interactions and his overall work.
Kabir is now a strong advocate of taking action to set the process of wellbeing into motion, whenever and wherever we notice that need. “You don’t need to first burn out and then get into [wellbeing],” Kabir offers as encouragement, “whenever you realize its significance, that’s when to start realizing who you are, what is inside you, what you can offer.”
